"Another Candidate For My Avenging Iron Skillet..."

There are some people in this world that are just a royal pain in one's posterior! I had the distinct misfortune to bump into one of these insufferable fools last evening when I traveled to Tampa to pick up wife Judi and daughter Megan at the airport arriving home from their short three day visit to Cincinnati.

As anyone knows, who is well acquainted with the arduous task of flying commercially, boarding a flight at any major airport constitutes being subjected to a series of hurdles that are at best time consuming and at worse borderline invasions of privacy. Still, given the ever-looming fact that there are certifiable crazies in this world who would like nothing less than to kill each and everyone of we Americans if given half a chance, a little extra time to endure a series of security checks is not unreasonable. Most such measures are performed by security personnel in an expeditious and courteous manner. I appreciate both and, to reciprocate, I am happy to cooperate fully. It is when neither criteria are met that I become more than just a little bent out of shape. This was the case last evening.

Tampa International Airport has a rule that states that when one is dropping off or picking up a passenger from the main terminal, the driver of the vehicle must remain with the vehicle at all times and may remain minimally parked at the curb only as long as it is required to physically drop off or pick up one's passengers. Normally there is a little latitude and discretion exercised by the airport security police who oversee the vehicular traffic that utilize these two areas. As stated previously, I was at TIA to pick up my family, whom I had just called on my cell phone to confirm that when I pulled up the the curb they would be exiting the terminal posthaste. I pulled over to the curb, disembarked from the vehicle, opened up the hatch of Judi's SUV, and looked inside the terminal windows to see daughter Megan retrieving her luggage from the conveyor belt. I estimated that she and Judi would be exiting the building in perhaps 30 to 45 seconds.

I had just stepped up on the curb when I was immediately confronted by an individual perhaps in his mid to late twenties, looming a good five foot six inches in height, dressed all in black, his uniform hat pulled so tightly down over his ears I thought his ears would scream out for mercy at any second, and was armed with the obligatory club of a flashlight, radio, and what appeared to be a taser stun gun. This John Wayne wannabe wasted no time in invading my personal space.

"What do you think you're doing?" were the first words our of his mouth.

By the incredulous look on his face he could tell by the look on my face that I was totally taken aback by this ridiculous question. To me, it was obvious. Before I could muster up a reply he advised me that I had to move my "vehicle immediately!"

"Sir," I finally found some words to reply, I just this second drove up and my family is just inside retrieving their luggage. They'll be here in just a few more seconds."

"Are they here now? So far he was batting a thousand on asking stupid questions that had obvious answers.

"I can see them through the window. They're pulling off their luggage now from the conveyor. I'll be out of your way in 30 seconds."

"Move this car now and drive around!!

"You're kidding me!!" I was quickly transforming from being mildly irritated to full fledged ticked off.

"Move your vehicle now, sir!! I don't like people questioning my authority!!"

I'm thinking that must happen a lot, but I didn't say it. So, I lowered the hatch, opened the door to the car, fumbled with my keys, all the while watching the rear view mirror. Fortunately, Bruce Lee had moved to another individual parked in front of me and was proceeding to bless this poor sole with his special rendition of the riot act. Another glance in the mirror and I see Judi and Meg hurrying to the car. They too had witnessed my one-sided conversation with Mr. Personality. They threw open the rear hatch as I climbed out of the car again and shouted, "Hey Junior, my family is here. I'm going to load their luggage, if it isn't too much of an affront to your sense of protocol!" I think the label "Junior" ruffled his feathers. He leaves the other guy staring at the ground and begins walking briskly towards me as I am making my way to the rear of the car.

"Are you getting smart with me!?"

The following was my best line, and one that probably should have gotten me tasered. ""Sir," said I, "I don't think that is humanly possible!"

He didn't get it! Flat did not get my insult to what little intelligence he possessed. He just looked at me with a blank stare as I closed with, "Have a nice evening."

That's when I decided he had won hands down the most cherished awarding of a solid and profound "BONK" of my virtual cast iron avenging skillet to the back of his empty cranium. A more deserving individual I have yet to meet.