"The Rules Of Marital Engagement...Revisted."

As much as I pride myself on being an attentive husband, I too often find myself on the short end of the stick...usually by omission rather than commission. Last evening was a case in point.

Most evenings, while eating a bite of supper, Judi and I mutually enjoy watching together the national news followed by Squeal Of Fortune. Admittedly, we're rather puritanical in that regard. This week's Squeal is emanating from Hawaii, and in celebration of that fortunate locale, Ms. Vanna was, in last evening's show, wearing a very fetching and brightly colored summer dress. Innocently and, very soon thereafter I learned, mistakenly, I made the comment on how attractive I thought the dress looked on her. Judi agreed. The evening was continuing to progress very amicably. Or so I thought.

Not too much further into the evening, I was greeted with the words, "I'm disappointed." I responded to the verbal clue and asked, "How so?" "Didn't you notice the new dress I'm wearing tonight?," she followed up. I had, but I made the off-handed assumption that it was one she had worn previously. The temperature in the room went up precipitously several degrees. "You noticed and commented on Vanna's dress, but you didn't say a thing about mine." Judi was right and I honestly felt helpless and instantly terrible about it. I had no excuse, but still the nagging belief that she had another dress very similar to the new one that she had worn many times previous. I had off-handedly mistaken that the two were one and the same. Sue me...I'm guilty of being a typical , unobservant male.

"I bought this dress and another one the other night when I went shopping. I wasn't sure which one I wanted to keep. So, I wore this one today. I received very many compliments on it...but not from you." The temperature in the room was now reversing course and was traveling just as precipitously south into the frigid zone. "I knew you went shopping," said I, lamely. "But I didn't know what you had purchased. You had just simply said that you had been 'shopping.'" This is where I was desperately trying to deflect any small portion of guilt off of me and back toward her. She wasn't buying it.

"You know that I like to receive compliments form you on how I look...especially when I wear something really nice. Don't you like it?" "Yes!" (I'm clutching at straws now...) "It hurts my feelings when you don't take the time to pay attention to how I look." That's it! I'm dead in the water...again...and I deserve to be.

Judi always takes a great deal or time and effort to always look her very best, whether she is going out into public or just for my benefit alone. Everyone else in an office could be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but Judi will always take the time to be dressed very appropriately and professionally. Rightfully, she take a great deal of pride in that practice and I honor her for doing so. But too often I fail to let her know that I recognize her for doing so. My error.

For some this episode of marital discord might seem trivial. But, when it comes to how a person feels about themselves and how they wish to be perceived by others, especially a spouse, there are strong emotional elements at work that need to be recognized and addressed. A husband risks at his own peril if he doesn't take regular inventory of his life's partner's emotional needs and practices conscientiously the daily requirement to meet those needs. My silence on not at least noticing Judi's new dress unfortunately spoke volumes about my inattentiveness. It was an error of omission rather commission, but an error nonetheless.

Most men (I pray) have enough sense to never answer their wife's question, "Do I look fat in this dress?," unless the gentleman in question has a death wish. However, it is best to initiate the conversation oneself by asking, "Is that a new dress? And then being honest in one's answer if the wife in turn asks, "Do you like it?" You're on your own from there. Being oblivious to what your wife is wearing for your benefit is not, I can assure you, a formula for an enjoyable evening or a happy marriage. Pay attention!

While lying in bed last evening, I again began to rethink my reaction to when I did indeed really notice Judi's new dress and my initial thought that it was similar to another dress that she already owns. I remembered... She does have another summer dress that is red, white and blue and in which she looks absolutely stunning. I like it ten times better than I do the one she purchased. She looks much more terrific in bright colors. I considered telling her this when she came to bed, but decided to let sleeping dogs lie. I am going to tell her...just as soon as I can muster enough courage to reopen that subject. Wish me luck.