"From The Land Of The Hanging Chad...."

Dateline: Everglades, Florida... Just when you thought it was safe to again venture forth into the land of sun and fun comes a disturbing report that yet another more lethal species, aside from the average confused south Florida voter, is propagating in ever increasing numbers in the 1,400,000 acre wildlife preserve just north of burgeoning metropolitan Miami; the Burmese Python. The latest estimate from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission puts the python's current population conservatively at or near 110,000. Great googly-googly, that's a lot of snakes, ladies and gents!

"Well," you might ask, "with a million and a half acres in which to slither, who cares if all of these snakes mind their own business and stay where they are?" That's part of the dilemma... They don't just stay where they are suppose to. And because a fully mature Burmese python, measuring anywhere from 16 to 25 feet in length and weighing in at a very stout 200 lbs, their carnivorous appetites are more voracious than a convention of half-starved weight-watchers at a pie eating contest! When they are not otherwise engaged in reproducing offspring like a June bride in a feather bed, the challenge of obtaining a decent meal is ever a constant concern in their day-to-day existence. 110,000 of these heretofore unencumbered critters are literally disproportionately consuming at an alarming rate the dwindling Everglades' wildlife food sources. Even their arch rival for available food, the Florida alligator, is now on their menu of delicacies. Like any self-respecting reptile, liberals included, when sustenance becomes increasingly scarce, one has no choice but to expand one's territory. This marauding menace is now migrating slowly but most assuredly north, as recent news stories are regularly being reported throughout the south attest.

What to do? Answer... Let's get the government involved. (I didn't say is was the best answer.) Since the Burmese Python is listed by the Federal government as a "threatened," thus a "protected species," it is against Federal statue to exterminate them. Now what? Answer... Let's hire a bunch of licensed trappers to venture out into the Everglade swamp and entice these creatures to give themselves up peacefully. And how's that working out so far? To date there is exactly seven...count 'em...seven trappers traipsing around in hip-weighters who have thus far captured and removed six...count 'em...six of the lethal constrictors. Let's do the math, shall we? Six captured. That leaves 109,994. Talk about your job security... These boys haven't run up against such over-whelming odds since General Custer ventured forth in the badlands of South Dakota seeking legendary fame.

Not to despair, however, our Governor, Charlie Christ, is contemplating the extension of the current limited duration of the trapper's permits until October 31st. Seems the cold-blooded python is significantly more active in the temperate summer tropical climate of our state, and, aside from being excellent swimmers, also possesses the enviable ability to evade detection by quickly submerging themselves below the water's surface for up to thirty minutes without coming up for air. I dare say your average politician would sell his mother-in-law down the river to posses this same face-saving talent! That aside, by extending the capture permits until the late fall it is hopefully anticipated that cooler weather will relegate the snakes to spend more time above water on solid terra-firma, thus affording the trapper's an increased chance of bagging them. Good luck with that...

Of course nobody bothers to ask me how I would eradicate the problem. Obviously the piddly number of trappers currently on the snake hunt ain't gonna cut it. Let's hire a couple hundred of the construction workers currently unemployed in this state, give each a burlap sack, and a guaranteed bounty of, let's say, $25.00 per snake captured, and set these boys loose on the problem. I dare say the pythons wouldn't know what befell them. Then there is the problem of what to do with all of then captured snakes? Hum-m-m-m... I've got it! Rent a few U-Haul trucks and transport them all to Washington D.C., throw the doors open and let them slither into the Halls of Congress! Nah... That wouldn't be fair to the snakes.

That's the latest news from the State of Florida, where the sky is blue, the tropical breezes balmy, and there are snakes in the grass everywhere. Thought you'd like to know...