"Cracker Insider Tidbits..."

In a previous lifetime I lived in Lebanon, Tennessee, serving as the Executive Director of the town's YMCA. Lebanon (pronounced correctly by the local inhabinants as "Lebnan") was a great little town (it is no longer little by any definition), home of historic Cumberland University, where I spent many delightful and enjoyable times hobnobbing with the school's athletic staff. Lebanon in the 80's was the quintessential quaint southern town where everybody knew one another and their comings and goings. If one sneezed in Lebanon, a half dozen people offered personal blessings, or it made the local newspaper, which was published three times a week and had a propensity to frequently feature a photograph of the latest vehicular accident, especially if it involved farm equipment. I liked Lebanon, but I detested the winters there. When the temperatures dropped like a rock there was nothing between the city limits and the North Pole but a barbwire fence. My toes would go numb by mid-September and not thaw out again until late April or early May. When my tenure as YMCA director came to a close I jumped at the opportunity to move to far warmer climes...Florida.

Florida living is an aquired taste. One either learns to tolerate the hot, humid weather for the better part of the year, or one detest it vehemently. I am of the former camp. I've learned to adapt and my toes are the beneficiary. Having now spent twenty-five years in this fair state, I can say that although I am not a born and bred Florida "Cracker," I have become as close to being a native as a person can be. Here, then, are some unofficial Florida tidbits of information that only a true resident of the state understands and appreciates.

#1) Socks are only for bowling. I wear deckshoes with no socks year round except when #6 below occurs.

#2) You never bothers with an umbrella, as the afternoon rain shower is only going to last 5 to 10 minutes.

#3) A "good parking space" has nothing to do with the distance to the store's front door, but everything to do with parking one's car in the shade.

#4) Your winter coat is usually denium worn when only #6 below occurs.

#5) You instantly (and painfully) knows the difference between the bite of a mosquito and a fire ant!

#6) Any temperature under 70 degrees is considered "chilly."

#7) It is acceptable to pass on the right and honk at the elderly, being always prepared to pull to the curb for a passing funeral possession.

#8) You have to drive "north" to get to the "south."

#9) Any approaching hurricane that is rated a category three or less is nothing to get your shorts in a wad over.

#10) You hate the arrival of "Love Bug Season."

#11) You know what a seasonal "snowbird" is and when they will pack up and head back north.

#12) You consider a six foot long allegator to be pretty average.

#13) "Down South" means the Florida Keys.

#14) Flip-flops are everyday wear.

#15) Shoes are for business meetings and sometimes church...but flip-flops are considered "okay" for church attendance.

#16) Sweat tea can and should be served at every meal.

#17) An alligator has at one time or another taken a shortcut through your yard.

#18) You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Flordia. (Y'all keep coming...we need and appreciate your tourist's dollars!)

#19) You measure distance in terms of minutes, not miles.

#20) You have a drawer stuffed with bathing suits, but only one sweatshirt.

#21) You get really annoyed at the tourists who think it's a hoot to feed the seagulls.

#22) Everyone not from your neck-of-the-woods talks with an accent.

#23) You recognize that Florida only has four seasons: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season, and summer.

#24) Any temperature under 95 degress is only considered to be "warm."

#25) You have either hosted or attended a "hurricane party."

#26) You understand the utter futility in attempting to exterminate cockroaches.

#27) You can pronounce correctly Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Ichnatuckee, and Withlacoochee.

#28) You understand and frequently appreciate the fact that it is far better to have a friend own a boat than you owning a boat yourself.

#29) Gulf Coast sunsets are an event, not just a time of the day.

#30) Bumper Stickers on the front of the pickup truck in front of your vehicle will most likely include: various tributes to fishing, a NASCAR driver and/or car, "Go Gators," and perhaps a Confederate flag.

#31) You have worn a pair of shorts on Christmas and New Years.

#32) You consider the Miami-Dade County part of the state as "Northern Cuba."

I am sure that there are several if not a dozen of so other Florida tidbits that make this state's permanent residents unique. For me it is far from utopia, but it is presently as close to heaven as I can get for the time being. Y'all come visit. Stay a while. Spend your money. Have a safe trip home. We'll leave a light on for you and place in line at Disney World.