I was asked to "sit in" on a session of Divorce Care last evening, a support group that is hosted every Tuesday in my church. The purpose and reason for this invitation was so that I (and next week my wife, Judi) could become familiar with how a session is typically conducted. The stalwart leaders of this most needed and well attended program wish to be out of town on Tuesday, July 3rd and need two devoted and caring substitute leaders to "step in" and facilitate the class on their behalf. Since Judi and I are trained as "facilitators" for a self-improvement course entitled "Dynamic Marriage," we were recognized as being the most optimal choice. We are honored and proud to be of that limited service. Last evening number twelve in a continuous series of thirteen sessions was presented, the topic being "reconciliation," a tough nut to crack for many in the room who are either in the throes of an imminent divorce or who are now beyond the final decree of its permanency. To ask these men and women to consider the idea of reconciling with a "life partner" who has inflicted at minimum deep emotional pain on their psychics and the lingering pain and anger that results challenges even the most benevolent and caring human being perhaps beyond the realm of possibility. Still, there are varying and specific degrees of reconciliation, all of which were highlighted and discussed during the course of the sharing session, from learning to be and practicing cordiality towards one's former spouse, to full restoration of the relationship. Each type, each level, if you will, has its own inherent benefits to one's ability to move forward with their lives. And to move forward with their individual lives, without languishing in their past, yet learning from their past, is the only course by which a divorced individual can face and conquer each new day with a true sense of purpose, expectation and hope. To that degree and to that desired end result I offered those in attendance the following story.
Every spring thousands upon thousands of sock-eyed salmon leave the vast ocean waters surrounding Alaska and seek the tributaries from whence each was spawned. Swimming in mass they make their way laboriously up the rivers then streams in quest of their origin of birth, to spawn and then to die. Yet still they pursue that finality with a determination not to be denied by any obstacle that may lie in their watery path. The perils that lie before them are numerous and many succumb before completing their journey. Onward the survivors swim, swelling the narrowing streams with their numbers until they reach a series of rapids where each must muster whatever strength may be left within them to leap upwards and over the impeding falls.
Striding atop these falls await dozens of ravenous grizzly bears that have come to feast upon the bounty that literally leap into their waiting jaws. The most favored spots above the falls are jealously held by those bears who have gained their cherished spots through physical dominance, many displaying the tell-tell scars of past fierce conflicts to proclaim their right to perch in expectant anticipation of the promised meal of fat salmon coming their way. For those bears less dominate, they must resign themselves to other less desirable and productive locations along the stream, having to work harder, expending more energy, to catch their fill. And so the salmon leap...by the dozens...and by the dozens they are snatched into the waiting jaws and outstretched claws of their waiting predators. Yet, by the dozens, many salmon successfully navigate the falls and escape to swim to their final destiny.
So, what is the lesson to be learned from this story? Many salmon survive to continue onward to dance the dance of renewed life for a new generation of salmon. And true, as is the way of nature, many meet a premature demise. Some of the bears eat their fill while others go wanting. Not all journeys in life are going to have favorable outcomes. There are no guarantees in this life that our lives will always be endowed with only good blessings...nor can we through our own devices and schemes guarantee such favorable outcomes. We are human and fallible...far from perfect. In life we risk ourselves and by doing so we leave ourselves vulnerable to the possible slings and arrows of rejection. Far too often we blame ourselves unmercifully for these soul deadening shortfalls, thus turning inward on ourselves to embrace self doubt and mind numbing anger. Reconciliation, therefore, only becomes truly possible on a grander and more palatable level when its pursuit begins far closer to home than many are willing to recognize or accept.
For me reconciliation must be a two part process. First I must reconcile myself to God and recognize that He accepts me for who I am right this minute...warts and all...past failings and all. It is only through His unfailing love and mercy that my past transgressions can be erased and forgiven. Secondly, having realized and accepted that God is God and I am not, I must be prepared to accept myself as God accepts me. I cannot relive the past nor erase the pain that was inflicted upon me or I upon another human being. What is past is past and I must be willing to reconcile myself not only to that which has transpired, but to that which lies ahead. In this self-reconciliation lies the promise of future wherein the peace of God's providing allows me to come to a place where I can reconcile with others. Bottom line...reconciliation, peace, acceptance and mercy must begin with a far higher power than me. And for me, that higher power is God.
"All of this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of conciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's (and women's) sin's against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation." - 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
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