Wednesday, January 27

"Thank You, Johnny Gilbert..."


There are current studies by the boatload that suggest numerous ways for older persons to remain mentally sharp and, therefore, delay if not forgo the onset of senility. Regularly scheduled physical exercise coupled with the frequent performance of gray matter taxing endeavors such as working on a New York TIMES crossword puzzle, reading War & Peace, composing a sonata, penning the next great American novel, or filling out one's Federal income tax form is said to assist significantly in keeping one's mental dexterity perking along like a Maytag washing machine. Or you can just jolt your acumen quotient, as Judi and I do, by merely tuning in nightly to back-to-back Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy games shows.


Wheel requires one to compute, along with the three on-stage contestants, what is the final selected phrase by mentally inserting into the obscured blanks the still remaining missing letters. I am convinced that some people have a innate gift for doing this. I'm not one of those individuals. Unless it is a simplistic phrase like "_EE D_IK R_N," I am at a loss to have any clue. Jeopardy, on the other hand, requires a participant to have more than a passing knowledge about a whole host of trivial information, to be able to recall same, and to pose the answer in the form of a question. Example: "In the category of Nursery Rhymes for $200.00, complete the phrase, 'Jack and Jill went the hill to do what?'' A possible answer: "Is that really any of our business, Mr. Trebeck?"


Jeopardy is contested by employing a wide variety of not necessarily related categories that run the entire gamut of human knowledge. I usually do fairly well in those areas that have to do with such sub-categories as American history, sports, geography, Old and New Testament, prominent names in the news, etc. However, there are some categories that I am as dumbfounded and as lost and as last year's Easter eggs! Poetry, English Literature, Math, Shakespeare, et. al., leave me with my usual blank look on my face. Sample: "In the category Japan for $1,000, what is the title of their national song?" Answer: "Who the hell cares, Alex?"

There is one segment of Jeopardy that I find particularly amusing and often time annoying at the same time. That is when Mr. Trebeck takes a few moments, after returning from the first commercial break, to briefly interview each of the three contestants, asking each to relate some tidbit of intriguing information from their checkered past. These good folks come from all over the place and relay a portion of their history that would cast an insomniac into an irreversible state of catatonia.

Mr. Trebeck: "Let's meet and get to know a little bit about our two new contestants on today's show. First, let me introduce you to Alexi Petrov, a recent immigrant from Kachkanae, Russia, a retired high wire performer in the Moscow Circus, who has an interesting story about how he met his wife."

Mr. Petrov: "Ya, Alex. I make misstep from wire, lose balance and fall on her. It was love at first sight. We consummate marriage after we both get out of hospital."

Mr. Trebeck: "Wow! That sounds like it left a mark on both of you for life. Next, let's meet our next contestant, Regenia Glassbender. She is currently a welder in the shipyard at Portsmouth, Virginia, and she has a very unusual hobby. Tell us about it, Regenia."

Regenia: "Okie-dokie, Alex. I'm pretty good with an arch welder, so my hobby is to take discarded beer cans and weld them together to make them into likenesses of historical personalities."

Mr. Trebeck: "What are some of the people you have sculpted, so so speak?

Regenia: I've got one of George Washington crossing the Delaware, one of Paul Revere on his horse, and my favorite is Lady Godiva in all her natural beauty." Mr. Trebeck: "My, that must take a lot of beer cans."

Regina: "Yep...that's my other hobby. Drinking like a fish!"

Mr. Trebeck: "Moving on...let's get reacquainted with our returning champion, whose two-day earnings totals $10.95, Mildred Saulesbury, a librarian who hales from Lac-qui-Parle, Minnesota. Mildred too has an interesting hobby that her fellow Minnesotans are fond of pursuing in the cold months of winter. Tell us about it, Mildred."

Mildred: "You bettcha, Alex. When I'm not patrolling the stacks of the Lac-qui-Pale Municipal Library on the look out for vagrants, I spend my off-time ice fishing."

Mr. Trebeck: "And how's that been working out for you? Have any fish stories to tell us?"

Mildred: "You bettcha, Alex. I am credited with catching the largest walleyed pike ever recorded in Minnesota. A two-hundred and twelve pounder that took me two broken paddles, a busted ice-cooler, a chainsaw, a fifty foot length of rope attached to my '57 Buick, and three hours to land, but I did it!"

Mr. Trebeck: "Sounds like a pretty big fish story to me, there Mildred."


Mildred: "Are you suggesting that I'm making this story up, Alex!?!"


Mr. Trebeck: "Okay contestants, grab your clickers and let's play 'Double Jeopardy.' Mr. Petrov, you have control of the board."


Mr. Petrov: "Okay... Let's start with myths and fables for $400.00."

(So, we who are advancing toward octogenarians that wish to keep our minds supple and nimble have a multitude of choices we may pursue. You can waste a whole bunch of hours trying to become the next Rembrandt, Hemingway, or Mozart...or you can do what Judi and I do; get yourself comfortable in front of the television and for one hour every night fill in the banks on Wheel and answer the questions on Jeopardy.)

Mr. Trebeck: "Today's Final Jeopardy category is Mathematics. Mr. Petrov will not compete in the Final Jeopardy round, as he is $25,800 in the red. Milred, our returning champion is in second place with a grade total of $15.00 and an I.O.U., and in first place is Regenia, who is a buck and quarter ahead of Mildren. Okay, Mildre and Regenia, make your wagers and mark down your repsonse to this Final Jeopardy clue. 'In Euclidean geometry, the realtionship among the three sides of a right triangle.'"


Come on dwebs... You know the answer to this.

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