Dateline - Key Biscayne, Florida. "Cold Snap Causes Frozen Iguana Shower"As a result of this past week's bitter cold temperatures, hundreds of tree-dwelling iguanas began falling from their lofty perches to litter the ground like discarded kumquats. A warm-blooded reptile, use to the more temperate and balmy climate of South Florida, the iguanas are not dying from the cold, but have merely entered into a state of "temporary suspended animation, much like the members of Congress." So said, Oscar Robenowich, assistant manager of Everglades Wildlife Preservation Society. "I've been in this business nye on 22 years and I've never seen anything like it. You can't take two steps in any direction without tripping over one of these buggers." Mr. Robenowich was engaged Thursday morning with the task of visiting a half dozen of the neighborhoods in the Key Biscayne area in order to count and attach identification tags to each of the dormant lizards. "It's like shooting fish in a barrel," he said." I usually have to chase them through the tickets of sea grapes with a net. This way I just attach the tags and stack 'em up like core wood."
Mr. Lenard S. Mollusk, a twenty year resident of the Balmy Breezes Second Chance Salvage Yard and Trailer Park, reiterated his personal alarm when he and his Bula, his wife of 35 and 3/4 years, were startled just after midnight by loud crashes emanating from the top of their double-wide. "Me , Bula here, and our six dogs - Pete, Patch, Gimpy, Fang, Ladybelle and our last dog with a bad case of the mange we ain't named yet - were all snug in bed watching a rerun of The Dog Whisperer, when all of a sudden we heard a loud bang right over our heads. Bula, here, thought is was our neighbor, Billy "Winky" Limpwish, cucking oranges at us again. 'Nah,' I said. 'Couldn't be dipweed Limpwish. He's back in jail again for violating his parole for indecent exposure at the Walmart.' No sooner than I said that there came two more loud bangs and then another. 'You'd better get up and see what the heck's goin' on,' said Bula, here. 'I think we're under attack!'"
"Well, I could see right off that it weren't gonna do me no good to try and weather the storm, 'cause the dogs was by then yelpin' like their butts were on fire and a rippin through the pots and pans in the kitchen like a hurricon. I grabbed my pistol and huntin' knife and proceeded to throw on one of Bula's, here, flannel housecoats and went out in the side yard to investigate. 'Good gracious!', I yelled to Bula, who by this time was takin' no chances at what I might run up on and had taken cover behind my Easyboy with her fry pan skillet."
"They're every where, Bula!', I shouted. "Oh dear God... What's every where?," I heard Bula, here, whimperin. "Lizards! Lizards are all over the place...deaderen than a tree stump! Grab me a tote sack, woman. I'm a gonna gather up a bunch of em and we'll fry 'em up for supper tomorrow night.' And we did too. Wouldn't recommend them as a steady diet. They're a little gamy to the taste. Although when stirred in amongst some hamburger helper and chili peppers, it's pretty tolerable.
Asked by the reporter, who was interviewing Mr. Mollusk, if he thought his sudden windfall of groceries had anything to do with Al Gore and Global Warming, Mr. Mollusk said that he'd never heard of Al Gore, but he sure would like to know how to get in touch with him. "Somebody needs to be payin' me some cold, hard cash for all the dents in my trailer's roof, and a little extrie for the mental anguish and trauma that Bula, here, suffered that night...and the dogs ain't been themselves since."
Advised that the weather forecast is calling for even colder temperature this coming weekend, Mr. Mollusk opined that he "hadn't moved from the north woods of West Virginia to Florida to be pelted by fallin' reptiles." "If I still owned a snow shovel, I'd be inclined to smack this Al Gore square in the mouth!"
Come to think of it, I'm guessing that all of the comatose iguanas would be very much in favor of that as well.
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