Wesley Chapel, Florida:
A 78 year old man is recovering in a Tampa hospital from a life-threatening gunshot wound inflicted by his heretofore faithful hunting bulldog, Eli. Occupying his usual seat of honor between his master, Billy E. Brown, and another unidentified male hunter, the pick-up truck in which all three were riding was laboring to navigate the heavily rutted trail, bouncing violently up and down and side to side. Eli became so agitated and distressed that he elected to vacate the passenger seat for the assumed safety of the truck's floorboard. In doing so, Eli came into inadvertent contact with Mr. Brown's high powered hunting rifle, which discharged, striking Mr. Brown in the right, upper thigh. Having traveled approximately eleven miles into the woods, Mr. Brown suffered a sever loss of blood before he finally was able to receive emergency medical treatment.
This near tragic story would otherwise have ended at this point, except Eli's unfortunate misstep is gardening some unexpected and unwanted notoriety. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is convening their executive board this week to vote unanimously on bestowing their most coveted Metal of Merit award to Eli for having the temerity to take up arms on behalf of the much beleaguered and defenseless deer. While PETA is hailing Eli as a hero, the National Rifle Association is calling for Eli to be relegated to the nearest dog pound and to revoke his owner's NRA membership for failing to train Eli in the proper and safe use of firearms.
Representative Darrell Issa (R- Vista, CA.), Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has suggested that it might be in order to issue a subpoena to Eli in order to have him testify before Congress so as to ascertain whether the weapon involved in the incident was one of estimated 2,000 lost firearms that "walked" across the Arizona boarder with Mexico as part of the now infamous and failed Fast and Furious gun tracking scheme concocted by the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. Representative Issa wants to know "what Eli knew and when he knew it." Rebutting the alleged allegations that the Justice Department was yet again negligent in this latest near death incident, U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, Jr., delivered a prepared statement emphatically declaring that Eli was "unknown by any person in the Justice Department" and any allegation to the contrary would suggest that Eli was a "deliberate plant by the committee in an attempt to further embarrass and bring undue criticism upon the Justice Department." Eli, thus far, as made no public pronouncement regarding the sudden onslaught of turmoil swirling around his furry head.
Liberal pundit and minor television personality, Jon Stewart, is labeling the entire messy affair "just another example of the vast, on-going right-wing conspiracy to undermine the progressives' agenda to bring sanity to the nation by banishing all firearms from the public sector." Asked to cite factual documentation and/or quotable sources to underpin his allegation, Stewart stated that, for the moment, he felt no need to concern himself with the trivial notion of factual proof, as the mere fact that he declared the matter so makes it so. Continued Stewart, "Besides, I just like saying 'vast and on-going right-wing conspiracy.' It has a nice ring to it."
Politically biased talk shows are all clamoring to have Eli appear on their respective broadcasts to present his insider perspective on the incident. MSNBC is reported to be willing to pay Eli a very significant undisclosed amount of dog biscuits to appear on their morning show, and FOX wishes to produce an hour-long documentary on Eli's life. David Letterman is trying to entice Eli to come on The Tonight Show as a featured participant in Letterman's regularly scheduled segment "Stupid Pet Tricks." Said Letterman's producer, "Eli will more than make up for the sudden cancellation by Vice President Joe Biden's previous agreement to appear in the same segment."
Poor unhappy and deflated Eli. Devastate and clinically depressed that he caused such pain and suffering to his beloved best friend, all Eli wishes to do in the near term is to remain in seclusion beneath his master's front porch. Expressions of support and condolences are solicited and appreciated through personalized cards and letters, or by befriending Eli on his Facebook page. Hurtful statements such as "Guns don't kill people, dogs with guns do" are particularly offensive and should be avoided at all cost. Let the healing begin...
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