Friday, February 5

"NEWS FLASH..."




"CUPID FOUND MURDERED!"

Dateline: Miami. An unexpected pall has today suddenly and most unexpectedly befallen the multitudes of heretofore rapturous fans who were in full party mode in preparation for this Sunday's Super Bowl. Cupid, the nymph-like mythological god of erotic love and beauty, was found dead this morning, shot through the back with one of his own arrows.

Miami's renowned Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) team, capably spearheaded (pardon the pun) by Lieutenant Horation "H" Caine, were immediately summoned to the crime scene to ascertain the particulars surrounding this most bazaar and heinous crime.

Mr. Wolfe: "Ain't this a kettle of shrimp!?! Cupid, dead as a carp!"

"H:" "Indeed, Mr. Wolfe. Your powers of observation become more acute with each new case. Alexx, can you pinpoint the T.O.D. and probable cause of death?"

Alexx Woods: "Well 'H,' by the amount of rigor that has set in and the temperature of his liver, I'd say the time of death was pretty close to 22 minutes and 16 seconds past the hour of 10 p.m. last night. As for the cause of death, I think we can safely assume it wasn't self-inflicted."

"H:" "Ah Alexx, let's be very careful to be guided only by the forensic evidence in the case. Remember last year when we assumed the Easter Bunny had been murdered by a disgruntled rival bunny trying to hone in on the Easter Bunny's territory, only to discover that our victim had choked on a wad of self-inflicted jelly beans."

Alexx: "True 'H,' but the fact that his bow and quiver of arrows is missing from the crime scene, I'd say the chances of Cupid, here, having the wherewithal to run himself through and through, front to back, with one of his own arrows is about as good as this show has of winning an Emmy. Of course, that's just my highly educated opinion."

"H:" "Careful there, Alexx. Let's try to keep in mind who is the undisputed star of this show. Mr. Wolfe, if you can wipe that horrified look off of your face, I want you to get back to the crime lab and see if you can lift any latent prints off of this note and the shaft of the arrow. And before you go, make sure you clean up that mess where you threw up. This ain't your first rodeo, buckaroo."

Alexx: "What do you think the note means, 'H,' 'No, I won't be your valentine?'"


"H:" "It means, Alexx, Love ain't all it's cracked up to be, but I'm gonna prove whoever did this dastardly deed wrong!"


Super Bowl and CBS officials have expressed sincere condolences at the passing of this well known and loved icon, but have vowed that the game will go on as scheduled. A CBS representative, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said that the NFL is taking "added precautions" to assure that no harm will come to the players, fans or dignitaries attending the game. "It never crossed our minds that we would cancel the game. Are you kidding me!?! We're charging 3 millions dollars for a 30-second commercial! We don't care if the President of Hallmark Cards chokes on chocolate covered bon-bons while sitting in his luxury box. The game is going on as scheduled!"


Miami P.D. has promised to release further details related to the continuing investigation of the crime as they become available. "We are confident that Lieutenant Caine and his CSI team will get to the bottom of this terrible incident before the last commercial break."

No comments: