Self Evaluation..."

For the past several months Judi and I have been serving as facilitators for a weekly on-going, 13 week Divorce Care recovery support group. The purpose of the program is to provide for the men and women in attendance the guidance along the path toward healing after experiencing the emotional pain of separation and divorce.

Even though Judi and I have been married going on 27 years, we consider ourselves to be uniquely qualified to shepherd this group, as we both ourselves are products of previously failed marriages. We understand the physical, emotional and spiritual trauma that accompanies a marriage implosion. Just as there are predictable stages that an individual will traverse at the loss of loved one through death, so are these same phases applicable as the result of a failed marriage. What we watch for and attempt to evaluate in each participant, as they progress through the 13 week course (many of whom repeat the course several times and are always welcomed to be part of the group as long as they choose), is how well each over time is dealing with and evolving away from the emotions of profound anger, depression, and loneliness that are the earmarks along the guided path toward moving productively forward again with their lives.

The greatest majority of the new course attendees come through the door with their raw emotions displayed prominently on their sleeves. Many a box of facial tissues have been utilized in the initial weeks of a new divorced person's participation in the group as each begins in their own way and in their own time to "open up" and share about the pain they have suffered and are continuing to experience. As a rule, we have witnessed that as time passes and each person becomes more trusting of themselves and their fellow course participants, glimpses of the individual's unburdened personalities begin to shine through. It is not unusual for any number of weeks to pass before an participant will feel free enough to enjoy a touch of levity at themselves or in agreement with another's unbridled humor. We recognize that at that time such a freeing up of the spirit, is a most important milestone in the person's positive steps towards recovery.

In that vein, each week Judi and I make available one or two page handouts that correspond with each of the 13 discussion topics. This past Tuesday evening the topic was "New Relationships." For the newer group members to entertain the mere thought of developing a new relationship is sufficient to evoke gales of laughter if not groans of abject repulsion. The fact remains, however, that the greatest majority of individuals who experience a divorce will in the future venture into the establishment of a relationship with a person of the opposite sex and most will eventually remarry. The lesson to be learned is to not do so too quickly, as 76% of second marriages also end in divorce unless very careful consideration is given over an extended period of time to assure that the second person one marries isn't a carbon copy of the first. With that thought in mind, I distributed to the participants the following hand out that appeared on the Women's Day Web site, entitled "How To Find Out If He's 'Marriage Material.'" (My responses are in red.)

1. Does he make you laugh? According to Judi, that is one of the first things she liked initially about me and continues to appreciate after 26 years of marriage.

2. Is he mechanically inclined? Can I fix a car? No, but I can certainly remodel a house. I think that qualifies me, but that talent has also caused friction between Judi and me over the years.

3. Has he gotten over being a mama's boy? That stopped the minute I moved out of my parent's house at the age of 18.

4. Is he nice to his mother? I'm being honest here...as much as I can tolerate being so without her driving me to regularly consumed strong drink.

5. Does he have a life independent of yours? Yes. Judi and I share many of the same interest, but are free to pursue other avenues that are unique to our personalities and talents. For me, it's golf...once a week if we can afford it and it doesn't interfere with a previous mutual obligation.

6. Can he remain romantic? On a scale form 1 t0 10, with 10 being "very romantic," I probably score a 3, if I'm lucky. My idea of being romantic is being attentive, but Judi keeps reminding me (and I'm still learning) that fixing her tea every morning like clockwork still leaves room for vast improvement.

7. Will he buy you personal items at the grocery store? Yes, if asked, but I would prefer not to. Once Judi sent me to the local drug store to pick up a particular box of hair color so she could highlight her hair. I finally found the right isle and was confronted with every imaginable shade of dye ever invented. To make matters worse, as I let my eyes scan row after row of this color and that color, there were two women next to me who were engaged in the same task. They appeared, however, to know exactly what they were in search of. I finally gave up and said, "Okay ladies, I need help. Can you find (whatever the color was ?") One of the ladies immediately reached down and choose the box I was searching for. "Here you go, you poor soul," she said. I expressed my appreciation to her and lamented, "I'm sure glad I wasn't sent here to pick up any feminine hygiene products." As this same woman began to walk away, I heard her mutter under her breath, "Men are so useless." At that particular moment, I had to concur.

8. Can he admit he is wrong? Yes, but I do so, admittedly, reluctantly. But that is a personality trait that stems from my childhood and is another story for another time. I'm still working on being in tune with Judi's expectations so I don't have to find myself in that predicament.

9. Does he compliment you in front to others? Yes, as well as brag on Judi when she isn't within earshot. This is a lesson every man should learn and practice. Still, as with every good habit, I could do more so.

10. Will he dance with you? Yes, but only after much prodding or after several shots of sarsaparilla.

This one handout evoked additional worthwhile insights and discussion among the group members...and no little opportunities for shared laughter. Divorce is a tragic experience, but it is not a life sentence. With the valuable tools provided by the Divorce Care curriculum and with God's spiritual leading, Judi and I have witnessed many previously broken lives cobbled back together once again. New hope and a profound sense of self-worth have been the end results for the greatest majority of individials who have choosen to be faithful attendees and who have endured the necesary time of required healing as they passed through the course to go out on their own once again to embrace a newer and more fuller life of promise that awaits each.

For those who may be at this time in the throws of a separation or divorce, or who may know of a person or persons who are experiencing the same trauma, please take the time to check out http://www.divorcecare.com/. There you will find a fuller explaination of what the Divorce Care recovery support program encompasses and a location near you where a group is meeting. There is life after divorce. You just need to learn how to get there.