"Assume The Position..."

Dateline: FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Apparently attempting to resolve martial difficulties takes a less than a conventional approach in this fair burg. Let me introduce the estranged wife of one Mr. Robert Drawbough, Helen Sun. Ms. Sun (Don't know why her last name is not the same as is her husband's. Perhaps a further hint as to one of the root causes of their mutual derision.) allegedly wished to reconcile with Mr. Drawbough, and in order to guarantee his undivided attention during Ms. Sun's orchestrated discussions, she handcuffed herself to his person while he was still asleep. The resulting police report also cited that Mr. Drawbough suffered numerous bite marks inflicted on his torso and arms, which leads me to speculate that either Mr. Drawbough was a very poor listener or Ms. Sun had a rather nasty way of emphasizing her point.

While enduring this onslaught of female scorn, Mr. Drawbough somehow managed to grab a close-by cell phone and called 911. (I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall to see how he accomplished that feat.) Upon arriving at the scene, police could clearly hear Mr. Drawbough's screams of distress. Taking Ms. Sun into custody, she attempted to explain that her unorthodox tactics were to assure that her husband would be a participant in the ensuing conversation and not take flight. Apparently, mission accomplished. Mr. Drawbough's wounds were treated at a local hospital, while Ms. Sun was treated to a personal pair of handcuffs and charged with third-degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint. A trifecta, plus one! As a rule I usually shy away from enterprises that involve a personal wager. But in this case I am playing strictly with house money when I say that I'm willing to bet next month's mortgage payment that Ms. Sun's chances of reconciliation with her husband are from this point forward about as good my making a hole in one on a par five!

There have been occasions when handcuffs have come into play in this household. No, it's not what you're thinking. Once Judi handcuffed my golf clubs to the inside of the garage door and the second time she handcuffed me to the kitchen sink until I washed all of the accumulated dirty dishes. These two occasions transpired long before cell phone came into vogue. Unfortunately, no one heard my screams either. Now I am much better at accomplishing my kitchen duties as prescribed by my wife. I get to play more golf that way. However, after having read this story I am going to keep my cell phone under my pillow from now on. One can never be too careful.