"Once Upon A Time...."

Twenty-five years ago today Judi and I promised to love, cherish and honor one another until "death do us part." So far, so good.

It hasn't always been sweetness and light. There are been several times in the past twenty-five years when it appeared that our parting was going to occur long before the Grim Reaper laid claim to either one of us. But we literally fought through out most difficult times to preserve our union, truly believing that God had put us together, that our marriage vows were indeed sacred, and neither one of us desired to be labeled as two-time losers in marriages that failed the test of perseverance and time. This day marks a significant milestone in our dedication to those beliefs.

So determined are we to make our marriage one of loving endurance that we have taken on the personal ministry to present to other couples in our community a self-awareness course entitled Dynamic Marriage. Far too often couples enter into the bonds of matrimony ignorant of and ill prepared to productively and beneficially face and overcome the trials and tribulations that will surely present themselves during the normal course of a marriage when two unique individuals bring different perspectives and expectations to what it means to be "happily married." Wide-eyed and full of hope for an unblemished future together, each individual in the marriage gazes upon their mate as the one person in the whole world who will complete me." Here is the reality: no other individual in the entire world will make you whole. You need to be a "whole" person before you enter into the tangles of being married. You need to know who you are and what you need emotionally to be happy. It is not the responsibility of the other person in the equation to provide for or assure you of obtaining those goals. God made you specifically unique and it is those qualities that define you as a person united with your mate that makes two divergent personalities into a convergent, cooperative whole.

The oft-quoted Golden Rule of treating others as one wishes to be treated pulls up noticeably short when applied to marriage. The uniqueness of our individual personalities defines what our emotional needs are. They are our hot buttons of happiness, contentment and fulfillment, if you will. Personal emotional triggers such as the need (expectation) for admiration, financial support, recreational companionship, conversation, family commitment, spirituality, sexual fulfillment, etc., are real-life examples. It is extremely rare when two individuals possess the same emotional need expectations, as they are forever being flexed in importance as over time situations in day-to-day living dictate adjustment. One may, therefore, regard these emotional needs like an itch.

We all know how good it feels to scratch an itch. The noticed irritant is relieved and we go on about our day. When that irritant isn't addressed, we are uncomfortable and seek means to alleviate our distress. My itch may be in a different location than that of my spouse. If both spouses incorrectly assume that they both need scratching in the same place, it is most likely that only one itch will be scratched or, to often, both will miss the mark. Therefore, treating our spouse as we desire to be treated - The Golden Rule - only addresses where we need to be scratched, not where our mate needs scratching. Being successfully married is to first understand and communicate where we need to be scratched, and two, to know and address where our mate's most important and immediate emotional needs are to be scratched. This on-going exchange of information is vital if the marriage is to evolve into a mutually shared effort to please and be pleased.

One of the participants in our current Dynamic Marriage class defined marriage as "two individuals who are always attempting to out-love each other only to end up in a tie in the end." I love that analogy. But this desired outcome just doesn't happen by accident. Marriage, like any endeavor worth our time, requires work...and no work can be productive unless it is steeped in the skills necessary and mandatory to achieve success. There are dozens if not hundreds of books on the subject of being successfully married that can be readily and economically obtained. Read one. Read several. For starters I would strongly recommend His Need, Her Needs, by Dr. Harley and Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor. Likewise, there are numerous courses available in your community that are dedicated to providing couples with the tools to strengthen and enrich marriages. Personally I would seek those that are based in Biblical principles, as I too often find that secular marriage course serve only to identify that which is wrong with a relationship, but fail miserably to provide the tools that address and eliminate the root issues of martial difficulties. It is one thing to be married, but quite a different matter entirely on knowing how to be married. Dynamic Marriage is one such course that takes the time to provide the tools that couples can employ to transform their marriages from average to dynamic. Information on this course may be obtained on line at: http://www.familydynamics.net/.

Enough... It is Judi and my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. We are off this afternoon for a long weekend at an Orlando resort...where we will be engaged in scratching each other where we itch.