Thursday, December 29

Could It Be?

The woman who most resembles the witch that had the house fall on her in the Wizard of Oz, Nancy Pelosi, has indicated that she wishes to retire from the House of Representatives. I'd like to be the sole proprietor of the lottery that would sell tickets to the millions of Americans who would like to win the privilege of holding open the door for her as she slithers off into the sunset. I'd mare a fortune!

Wednesday, December 28

HBO Buffoon...

Bill Maher, he of some minor notoriety and exposure as the host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, purposefully invoked self-promoting publicity for a derogatory caustic remark he made in reference to Denver Bronco quarterback Tim Tebow this past Christmas weekend. As the Denver NFL team was being decisively trounced by the Buffalo Bills, Maher tweeted, "Wow, Jesus just f***ed #Tim Tebow bad! And on Xmas Eve! hell Satan is tebowing, saying to Hitler. 'Hey, Buffalo's killing them!'"

For his alleged satirical comment, Maher continues to receive caustic criticism from outspoken Bronco fans and conservative Christians, many of whom have called for the boycott of HBO, while a number of other irate individuals have gone yet a step further by cancelling their subscription to the HBO channel. Several of the more moderate talking heads have suggested that Maher should be just ignored, as comedians, as a rule, shouldn't be taken seriously no matter what spills out of their mouths. I am of the personal opinion that if words indeed have consequence, then the individual uttering those pronouncements must take responsibility for their authorship.

Maher, a practicing and avowed apatheist, that is a person who considers the question of the existence of god(s) as neither meaningful nor relevant to his or her life, appears to conflict with his own self-styled beliefs. One might assume that Maher recognized Jesus to be no more than a man of historical prominence, but when he tosses in the personage of Satan, Maher gives more than passing credence to the suggestion that the Devil, by its other common name, is a viable entity. You can't have it both ways, Bill. If there is a ying, there has to be a yang. Furthermore Bill, since you apparently and purposefully placed Hitler, also a significant person of historical prominence, in the environs of hell, one but can assume that you also recognize that such a place exists, which goes beyond your theology that good and evil is limited to earthly terra firma. Your personal contradictions are embarrassingly showing, Bill.

Tebow has thus far had the good sense not to enter into a tweeting exchange with you, Bill. Regardless of your personal vendetta against him or anything remotely religious, Tebow has no need to defend his position of faith in a belief that is far more grounded in moral and spiritual principals than your shallow philosophy that mankind is no more or no less the sole author of his ultimate destiny. If there is a God, and I like Tim, firmly and resolutely believe that there is, then the God that you so quickly dismiss as being irrelevant to your existence may be ignoring you for the moment, but I am sure that He will provide you with just as much satirical rope as you may desire to eventually allow you to have a personal exchange of viewpoints with Mr. Hitler in that place that you recognize in your tweet to be where he currently resides. Hitler will be waiting up for you, but don't look for Mr. Tebow.

Friday, December 23

A Most Welcomed Christmas Gift...



Friday, December 16

Memories Of Christmases Past...

Remember that Christmas when Santa didn't bring you anything on your "Wish List," but your little brother got everything he had asked for? Remember how disappointed you were? But like a good little trooper you pretended to be happy for him until your parents left the room and you tossed him playfully to the floor and stuffed Playdough down his throat? Remember how much better you felt? Remember how you were so glad that your parents finally allowed you to be off restriction the first day of March? What a Christmas memory that is. Right?

Tuesday, December 13

Helpful Christmas Hints...

Want to know what to do with all that left over Christmas wrapping paper? Here's an idea... Wrap the entire family in it, set the timer on the trusty Kodak, smile like you've been up to something, and "Ta Da!" You've got next year's family Christmas card already checked off of your list of things to do.

No need to thank me. I'm glad to do it. Until next time, here's hoping you don't scotch tape yourself to the cat.

Monday, December 12

A Dog's Tale...


Wesley Chapel, Florida:

A 78 year old man is recovering in a Tampa hospital from a life-threatening gunshot wound inflicted by his heretofore faithful hunting bulldog, Eli. Occupying his usual seat of honor between his master, Billy E. Brown, and another unidentified male hunter, the pick-up truck in which all three were riding was laboring to navigate the heavily rutted trail, bouncing violently up and down and side to side. Eli became so agitated and distressed that he elected to vacate the passenger seat for the assumed safety of the truck's floorboard. In doing so, Eli came into inadvertent contact with Mr. Brown's high powered hunting rifle, which discharged, striking Mr. Brown in the right, upper thigh. Having traveled approximately eleven miles into the woods, Mr. Brown suffered a sever loss of blood before he finally was able to receive emergency medical treatment.

This near tragic story would otherwise have ended at this point, except Eli's unfortunate misstep is gardening some unexpected and unwanted notoriety. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is convening their executive board this week to vote unanimously on bestowing their most coveted Metal of Merit award to Eli for having the temerity to take up arms on behalf of the much beleaguered and defenseless deer. While PETA is hailing Eli as a hero, the National Rifle Association is calling for Eli to be relegated to the nearest dog pound and to revoke his owner's NRA membership for failing to train Eli in the proper and safe use of firearms.

Representative Darrell Issa (R- Vista, CA.), Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has suggested that it might be in order to issue a subpoena to Eli in order to have him testify before Congress so as to ascertain whether the weapon involved in the incident was one of estimated 2,000 lost firearms that "walked" across the Arizona boarder with Mexico as part of the now infamous and failed Fast and Furious gun tracking scheme concocted by the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. Representative Issa wants to know "what Eli knew and when he knew it." Rebutting the alleged allegations that the Justice Department was yet again negligent in this latest near death incident, U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, Jr., delivered a prepared statement emphatically declaring that Eli was "unknown by any person in the Justice Department" and any allegation to the contrary would suggest that Eli was a "deliberate plant by the committee in an attempt to further embarrass and bring undue criticism upon the Justice Department." Eli, thus far, as made no public pronouncement regarding the sudden onslaught of turmoil swirling around his furry head.

Liberal pundit and minor television personality, Jon Stewart, is labeling the entire messy affair "just another example of the vast, on-going right-wing conspiracy to undermine the progressives' agenda to bring sanity to the nation by banishing all firearms from the public sector." Asked to cite factual documentation and/or quotable sources to underpin his allegation, Stewart stated that, for the moment, he felt no need to concern himself with the trivial notion of factual proof, as the mere fact that he declared the matter so makes it so. Continued Stewart, "Besides, I just like saying 'vast and on-going right-wing conspiracy.' It has a nice ring to it."

Politically biased talk shows are all clamoring to have Eli appear on their respective broadcasts to present his insider perspective on the incident. MSNBC is reported to be willing to pay Eli a very significant undisclosed amount of dog biscuits to appear on their morning show, and FOX wishes to produce an hour-long documentary on Eli's life. David Letterman is trying to entice Eli to come on The Tonight Show as a featured participant in Letterman's regularly scheduled segment "Stupid Pet Tricks." Said Letterman's producer, "Eli will more than make up for the sudden cancellation by Vice President Joe Biden's previous agreement to appear in the same segment."

Poor unhappy and deflated Eli. Devastate and clinically depressed that he caused such pain and suffering to his beloved best friend, all Eli wishes to do in the near term is to remain in seclusion beneath his master's front porch. Expressions of support and condolences are solicited and appreciated through personalized cards and letters, or by befriending Eli on his Facebook page. Hurtful statements such as "Guns don't kill people, dogs with guns do" are particularly offensive and should be avoided at all cost. Let the healing begin...

Friday, December 9


This man bores the snot out of me and I'd like to smack the living crap out of him with that beer bottle. Stay elusive my friend...